speed with all the thoughts my heart is throwing at it. And I’m starting to hope that maybe I will be one of the lucky ones that can outsmart my selfishness and stay awake this time. I am excited at the thought of wasting a perfectly good human such as myself on people that will never thank me, and living a life of love for others at times where I will not be recognized for it. I am seriously ready to throw in the towel on the American lifestyle and just call it quits on anything resembling comfortable. People would think it a waste. People would probably think it strange.  People would definitely think it unnecessary.  But I’m beginning to realize the loss of status, friends, money, fun... will be worth actually being happy and not feeling guilty.

Yes, I am sure: I would rather live my life getting dirty and loosing sleep and living like Jesus then dying a fat, rich, old lady whose sole accomplishment was raising some nice kids that perhaps could do something about the mess in the world. I have hands, I have a heart, I want to burn.

But…I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless. I am embarrassed by how uninformed I am about current affairs, and ashamed to admit I don’t have much money left from my paycheck because I’m making payments on my sweet new laptop. So what can I do? I can’t keep doing nothing. But I am afraid I will do something, and it will be the wrong thing, that I will give my money to an organization that’s a fraud, or I’ll show up to help at my local soup kitchen and there will be plenty of volunteers and I won’t be needed. What if I blow it, what if I’m misinterpreting verses like John 12:25 that say the girl who loves her life will lose it, while the girl who hates her life in this world will keep it for eternal life?

Honestly, at this point I think I’d rather do the wrong thing with intentions of obeying God then keep doing nothing.

Like, take this: There are little girls in places as far as Africa and as close as your hometown that have to have sex with strangers several times a day. You think “Oh yes. Human trafficking, I’ve heard of that. That really sucks.” There are little seven year old girls that have had their little organs totally damaged by multiple grown men everyday. These girls are often drugged up if they refuse to “perform” and men pay a higher price to rape them because they are considered more valuable. These girls live where they work and have no home to escape to, no place where they can clear their heads and be kids for a while. And yet I freak out if I don’t get an hour to myself to mess around on myspace or something.

This does something to me. I don’t know how to put it; there is something messed up about me that I can continue to live everyday life and give this nearly no thought. God’s heart is burning with the injustice of it all, and I want to let mine do the same. I think I might be advocating it by allowing it. Like everyone else I’ve talked to, I have no idea what to do, but I will pray and God will act because he will tell me what to do and I will act.

It’s possible that I can live without some new Dr Martens this year and give my money to help this. It’s possible I can forgo watching The Office this Thursday and spend time in prayer for these girls and their torturers, or researching different organizations that are doing something. And it’s possible I can forget about getting signed and spend shows sharing God’s heart to the youth of the Midwest.  I’ll let you know if I have the guts to keep burning and I’ll let you know how that goes.